Between Living and Dying

While the apostle Paul was imprisoned in Rome, awaiting the decision from Caesar regarding accusations that he was an enemy of the state, he confided to the church at Philippi his inner debate as to whether he wanted to live or die. It would only be a matter of time before Paul met his end with the swing of a sharp blade or was set free. On his mind, at least as expressed to the Philippians, was not the verdict from Caesar but whether death or life would be better. There was no frantic searching for the best attorneys in Rome. Paul almost puts Caesar out of the picture and simply contemplates the virtues of living and the virtues of dying. In his ponderings, he felt torn between remaining or departing. “Which I shall choose I cannot tell,” he says to his Philippian friends (1:22).

The kind of mindset that Paul possessed to even face this as a dilemma rather than plotting a desperate attempt to pull out every trick in the book to avoid execution is a mindset worth considering. Note, first, it was an actual dilemma for him. Objectively, the decision was really out of his hands. Caesar was not likely to ask Paul whether he wanted to live or die and respond accordingly. The decision remained with Caesar to determine if the accusations were true or false. To Paul’s mind, however, that reality was secondary and ultimately insignificant. Caesar is only a tool, an instrument in God’s hands for serving God’s purposes. He already knows that his imprisonment has “served to advance the gospel” (Php. 1:12). Paul’s turmoil over his circumstances was not over what decision Caesar would render but what his heart desired.

Note, secondly, that Paul’s dueling desires were both noble and godly. They were neither a desperation to keep his life, as the rich young ruler desired, nor a fine alternative for suicide to escape the struggles of life (of which Paul had plenty). Nor did Paul have a masochistic desire for a martyr’s death. His desire to die was so that he could “be with Christ.”  This, he admits, would be “far better” (Php. 1:23). Paul felt deeply the gravitational pull of heaven because there is the home of his supernova-shining Savior; the one who loved him and gave himself for the chief of sinners dwelt in heaven. Paul longed for that upward call that would bring him to the place of his true citizenship, where his Lord lives. His desire to remain on earth, on the other hand, was rooted in the gravitational pull of the body of Christ, the church. He knew that if he departed, he would leave his friends bereft of the benefit that he could provide them in their “progress and joy in the faith” (1:25). Paul was the kind of man who would gladly “spend and be spent for [their] souls” (2 Cor. 12:15). His joy was to see theirs increase. Remaining alive, he knew, was “more necessary” (Php. 1:24).

Note finally that Paul’s desires were not really in competition. It would seem that you could not find more disparate desires than the desire to live or the desire to die. But both paths for Paul, life or death, were a win for him. This reality led Paul to pen one of the most famous lines of his corpus: “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Php. 1:21). Should Caesar let Paul go free, he would only be allowing Paul further opportunity to live for and bear fruit for his Savior. Should Caesar call for Paul’s head, he would only be providing the expedient means for Paul exchanging the dingy robes of earth for the glorious gain of heaven.

The mindset of Paul is a challenge to us. Do you desire to depart? Why? If it is for any reason less than to be with Christ, then your sights may be set too low. There are other good reasons to depart: to see loved ones in Christ who have already departed, to know the bliss of freedom from pain and suffering. But do not let those eclipse the best reason of all: being with Christ. Do you desire to remain? Why? If it is for any reason less than serving Christ, then your sights may be set too low. There are other blessings for remaining: to see your kids grow up and the various joys of this life. But do not let these eclipse the best reason of all: knowing and serving Christ. Do you feel both the gravitational pull of the Son in heaven? Do you feel the gravitational pull of the Body of Christ on earth? Live with this tension and let your motto be, “For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”